Beers & Cigarettes (A Letter to My Crush, Part 25)

You’re bad for me.

I know you’re bad for me.

…but still, my heart says otherwise.

I’ve always thought I was a practical person. Someone who didn’t let emotions take over my judgment in certain circumstances, e.g. work, studies, even driving. But I guess when it comes to interpersonal interactions, that’s all thrown to the wind, and no matter how much I try to be impartial, I end up developing strong attachments even if I know the feeling is completely wrong.

I know you’re bad for me. Like the cigarettes you smoke every time you’re stressed, like the toxic job that’s been destroying you for years, like your coldhearted nature of throwing people under the bus to climb the social ladder…you wouldn’t be considered the ideal candidate for a “healthy” lifestyle, let alone a “healthy” relationship. I am aware that you’ve spent these past few years engaging in unethical measures, in work and in life, all hidden behind a facade of charm and flattery that few people have seen through, especially in your job.

I admit, you had me fooled for a while. I did think you cared about other people’s successes, but I guess that was all just an act. It wasn’t until soon after that I realized it was all a sham, that you were against all things noble for the sake of your own success. You’ve been blinded by your vision of “making it big,” to the point that anyone you meet has the potential for you to make money off of. You’re as big of a scam as anything else.

Yet, as much as the evidence shows that I’m supposed to dislike you (even consider you an enemy), there’s something that attracts me to you. Perhaps it’s your charisma (although it’s also a weapon), or maybe it’s the fact that I can’t have you like this which makes it all the more forbidden and tempting at the same time. You are so complicated and, while I prefer the simple, I’m still drawn to that. Opposites attract, in this case.

First impressions were, honestly, not that great. You didn’t even say “hi” to me when I first met you. But I think you did appreciate the fact that I showed up early, and you sort of loosened up as the days went by as we saw each other more and got to know each other. You always seemed rather closed-off, even in social settings, and I could never penetrate that hard exterior of yours. Of course, we had some pleasantries, but that was about it.

I think what intrigued me was the fact that your personality was somewhat similar to mine. Aside from the smoking and social ladder traits, I consider myself quite cold at first, choosing to observe before speaking, and being rather serious in nature. Perhaps it was my imagination, but I’ve caught you staring in my direction several times over the course of knowing each other, and I don’t know what to make of it. Whether it was platonic or something more, I confess that I found you quite dreamy when you did it, and it stirred something in me after a while.

What also intrigued me was your bold personality. You always showed an ambitious drive to succeed in what you did, especially your work. You also wanted others to succeed as well, even if they weren’t at your level yet. There was a competitive streak in you, which was intense to witness at times. Sometimes you got mad when people couldn’t match up, which was both intimidating and…attractive? I admit, you were pretty cute when you got angry, all hot and bothered by other people’s inadequacies in your eyes.

Alas, we parted a while back, as circumstances have caused us to go in opposite directions. Maybe as opposites attract, sometimes opposites also drift away. There was sadness in your eyes when we hugged and went our separate ways. I could tell that you weren’t happy with your life, but unfortunately, there was no way for you to change it. Not in that moment, at least. I had no choice but to let you go, hard as it was. Even if I knew you were bad news, I still cared about you. I wanted to help, but you were already in it too deep. I had to let you go and hope that things would eventually turn out well for you.

Same with cigarettes, you also had a fondness for beer. I remember you drinking up to 10 cans of Bud Light in a night, perhaps as a way to take the edge off the stress of your job. I’m not a beer drinker by any means, but I’ve slowly come to appreciate it more, thanks to you. Whenever I have a pint, I think of you, and I hope some day to find you again, happier and more fulfilled in life.


— The Finicky Cynic

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One thought on “Beers & Cigarettes (A Letter to My Crush, Part 25)

  1. Pingback: Beers & Cigarettes — TAKE 2 (A Letter to My Crush, Part 27) – The Finicky Cynic

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