Giving It A Shot (A Letter to My Crush, Part 24)

Six years.

Six years of knowing you, and I’ve yet to let you know how I’ve felt for the past five. Surreal to believe that so much time has passed from our college days, now as full-fledged adults trying to make sense of the world. My love for you has more-or-less remained constant, even with the occasional flings and temporary crushes in between.

I’d thought that we’d seen the last of each other in 2017, when we met up in LA before we headed to opposite parts of the world: I back to France, and you back home in Asia. No more would I see you in-person: your tall frame, striking smile, penchant for kindness and inquisitiveness…traits I would miss dearly, especially from you. It was bittersweet, to say the least, but I was happy I’d gotten to know you then.

Over the next two years, we went on with our lives. I continued to teach abroad in France, and you worked in Asia. We occasionally messaged each other, but other than that, it wasn’t a huge thing. I was glad to see you happy at your job, making tons of friends and doing activities out in town.

For me, I spent most of my time traveling, seeing many different places in Europe and meeting new people. I’ve had my share of flings and short-termed relationships, but none too serious. Every guy (or girl) I’ve met with any interest was fine, back-and-forth flirtation and the occasional kiss here-and-there. Yet, I still couldn’t shake you (and your beauty) from my head. I continued to be reminded of your lovely features, and more so your beautiful spirit.

If I thought that I’d thought of you a lot during my college years, then it’s been even more fervent today. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but you keep me awake at night, thinking of the possibilities that’ll most likely never happen. I was heartbroken when you told me you were taken last year, and I knew that I’d missed my chance to tell you how I feel.

By some turn of events, you eventually came to Europe for your job. Timing worked in our favors, and I got to see you briefly before I left France, seemingly for good. We shared a casual day in Paris, where we explored the “City of Love.” You were late to the meeting point, but it didn’t matter once you arrived with your friend. A quick hug from you, and we spent the afternoon exploring the city.

I must’ve been oblivious when you and your friend wanted to check out le mur de je t’aime (“Wall of Love”). Written in dozens of languages “I Love You,” I’d imagined it to be platonic when your friend suggested that we posed together in front of the wall. Maybe I’m reading into it way too much, but it did seem a bit sneaky to me…

We got lunch in the area, and we continued to catch up from the past two years. You’ve done your share of traveling in Asia, too, and it was wonderful hearing about what you’ve been up to in its countries. I also learned about your ambitions after this year in Europe, as you plan to return home afterwards.

When it comes to pinpointing why I’m attracted to you since our college years, I’ve struggled to figure it out until now. True, you are good-looking, but it’s more than that: your personality radiates a good heart, too, and that was what made me fall just that bit more in love with you. Your selflessness, your kindness to help others, and your ambition to succeed in life are traits which I admire, and I like them in you. Not only am I attracted to that, but also they inspire me to be the best version of myself.

We also spent that night partying at a venue in the heart of Paris. Granted, I’d let myself get a bit too carried away in the music, but it was a thrilling time. Even with alcohol in my system, I was still too shy and nervous to tell you how I feel. How I’ve felt about you for all of these years. You had to leave early to catch the last train back to your accommodation, and that was the last I saw of you that night. Tired and heart heavy, I headed back myself, emotions swimming in my body.

To think that we wouldn’t meet again just a couple of years ago, our time together in Paris defied all of that. And to think that I was sad that we wouldn’t be able to see each other again after you moved away, again, Paris broke that. Gives me hope that we’ll see each other again some day in the near future, whether in Europe, Asia, the U.S., or elsewhere. Distance is not the issue, especially if you care about someone that much.

So with that, my love, I wish you prosperity in your job, your friendships, and your life ahead of you. Take care. ❤

— The Finicky Cynic

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